6 Mindsets That Will Make You Magnetic
We talked about it on the website about the eye contact, the body language, and the tonality that conveys charisma but behind all of those things, there are mindsets.
And the mindsets are so critical because when you have them in line, all of a sudden, you don’t really have to think about the eye contact as much and it just happens and your body flows naturally and your tonality is on point.
#1. No matter what happens, you will be okay
And those mindsets are, starting with number one — no matter what, I will be okay.
In my opinion, this is the most fundamental mindset to charisma because so many people live their life wrapped in this sort of mental loop of what-if questions.
“What if I speak up and my boss doesn’t like my idea? What if I asked this girl on a date and she says no? What if I’d leaned in for a kiss and even worse, she ducks away?”
“What if I were to ask this person to go just as a friend out to coffee and they said, ‘I was busy that day’?”
All of these sorts of things stop people from acting, from speaking up, and from expressing who they really are.
Now, in the social context, what you need to realize is that the repercussions for even the worst case scenario of every single one of these are not so bad.
You recover from these; if your boss doesn’t like the idea, fine. Move on.
If a girl doesn’t want to go on a date with you, it’s probably better that you know rather than spending six months trying to figure out which signals she’s sending that indicates that she does.
So when you can get that mindset that, “No matter what, I will be okay,” and I apply this to the social field — I don’t necessarily mean that you need to extend this to jumping out of 40-storey buildings but socially, no matter what happens you will be okay.
That enables you to act with this sort of freedom that most people never ever experience.
And that means that you can risk social things in terms of cracking jokes, expressing ideas, asking people, and expressing how you feel; that means that you can risk that more than other people.
And when other people see that you seem to have this immunity to social pressure and that you’re expressing who you are more, they will naturally gravitate towards you because that is a strength that most of us really, really want to have in ourselves.
The most fundamental piece is — no matter what happens, you will be okay.
If you ever find yourself stuck and not knowing when to speak up, come back to this belief; it is so critical.
#2. Care more about your character than your reputation
The second belief — I care more about my character than about my reputation.
If you take that idea that your character is more important than how people perceive you, what you realize is the way that you are matters more than the way that people think that you are.
So many people spend their lives trying to manage the opinions of other people.
“Will they think this if I do that? What happens if I do this? Even if I say the truth, they’re still not gonna believe me.”
When you focus on just doing the right thing, worrying about your own character, and then letting people form opinions about you, what happens is people see that you’re not overly invested in controlling how they feel which makes them go, “Wait a second. If they don’t care so much about how I feel, I can trust them to be genuine.”
So it’s kind of paradoxical but if you focus on your character and if you stop investing so much effort into controlling people’s opinions of you, what tends to happen is that not only do you feel that freedom to act and be who you are but people will have better opinions of you.
It sounds crazy but it is absolutely true.
#3. Have impeccable honesty and impeccable integrity
The third belief and in my opinion, this is the one that is the least emphasized and needs to be talked about much, much more and that belief is that you have impeccable honesty and impeccable integrity.
Every single time that you tell a lie even if it’s a little, little lie like, “I’m on my way,” when really you’re still getting dressed and showering or if it’s a big lie, on the type of lie that could potentially ruin a relationship no matter what it is even if you don’t get caught and even if there are no negative consequences to the relationship, the problem is that you build a reputation with yourself when you lie.
And that reputation is that sometimes you say words that aren’t true sometimes you are not to be believed and even if no one else finds out, you know this.
Now, this absolutely devastates your ability to speak with conviction and this is critical to charisma; the ability to look someone in the eye and speak in a way that says to them, “I believe, a hundred percent, the words that are coming out of my mouth. The things that I say, I am fully standing behind.”
When you lie sometimes, you hurt your ability to speak with conviction all the time because in the back of your head, no matter what you’re saying, you know that sometimes you lie and that comes through in little gestures, they can come through in a flinch, in eye contact, in a little waiver of the voice… whatever it is, that is going to break through.
So my recommendation to you if you identify as someone which is likely that sometimes lies is to cut that shit out today.
And the truth is there’s going to be a penalty payment.
If you’ve started building a life that is predicated on a handful of convenient lies that might have seen worth it at the time, walking them back and exposing the truth can hurt.
My advice when I get questions about this — ninety to ninety-nine percent of the time is to do it anyway.
Are there situations around the periphery where it is just not worth it where somebody’s on their deathbed and you don’t need to tell them that you don’t believe in God and because they do believe God? Sure. There are times that it falls under that circumstance but for ninety to ninety-nine percent of those situations where you’re not sure, “Should I tell the truth or shouldn’t I?” the answer, even if it’s damaging to that relationship, is yes because if you don’t tell the truth, you are crushing your own self-esteem, you’re crushing your ability to speak with conviction, and to form genuine relationships in your life.
So that is a huge, huge belief and it requires action.
#4. You don’t need to convince anyone of any particular belief
The fourth belief is that you do not need to convince any individual of any particular belief, action, or anything; you don’t need to convince anyone.
And I know this sounds crazy coming from this website because if you’ve seen some of our other articles, we talked about how to be more persuasive and how to get people to want to do the things that you might like them to do.
So how do those two things square together?
The idea behind those how-to-be-more-persuasive articles is that what you’re learning how to do is to make your “asks” more persuasive is to increase the odds that someone wants to do the things that you would like them to do.
But the idea is not that you repeat that cycle over and over and over again and badger someone trying to make them do the things; you never need anyone to do anything — you are simply asking them.
Now, where people run into trouble is when they have relationships in their life that they feel like they absolutely need to get someone to work a certain way, they need the boss to feel a certain way, they need a boyfriend or girlfriend to behave a certain way or a particular boy or girl to like them back so they can date, they need a family member to change their behavior… then you enter into neediness —then you are entering into trying to convince when you’ve gone back and forth over the same issue many, many, many times.
What happens then is that your charisma is, one, destroyed because you need something from that person.
The charismatic person simply asks and then decides, “Okay, if the answer is yes, great.
If the answer is no, can I deal with this person and this relationship in this way that’s acceptable to me or do I need to filter this person and this relationship out?”
This can be very, very hard.
I recognize this; when you’re talking about all the friends and family members, this can be tough.
But if someone is not treating you the way that you’d like to be treated, the answer is not to engage in this repetitive battle to try to force them to be something that they don’t want to be.
The answer is either to accept that that relationship is going to remain the way it is or to filter them out of your life and I realize that can be hard but once you start filtering — those periphery relationships, maybe those old friends that don’t treat you the way you’d like to be, those old friends that don’t push you in the way that you’d like to be pushed or that look at new hobbies and new endeavors with a discouraging eye when you start to filter those out, you start to make room for the type of people that are going to lift you up.
So really, not convincing people and entering into that filtering mindset is so, so important.
#5. Start communicating your purpose more proactively
The fifth mindset for charisma is that charisma and you need to start communicating your purpose more proactively.
I know that a lot of people spend a lot of their lives engaged in small talk.
People ask you what you do or you’re from and you wind up with the same answer telling them job title, this, that, “Yeah it’s great oh we went on a vacation,” blah blah blah.
Charismatic people have a purpose that they are fired up by and while they’re not going to shove it down your throat when it comes up in conversation, they are willing, eager, and they will tell you what their purpose is.
And I realized this — I remember I was watching an episode of the Buried Life which if you don’t know it, these four guys who had this really long bucket list and they would go through the bucket list doing these amazing things play basketball with Obama — and then they’d help other people do items on their bucket list.
And one of the ways that they got to actually play basketball with Obama is by walking around the streets of Washington DC and just telling people,
“Hey, we’ve got this list. On this list is we want to play basketball with Obama.
Can you help us?” and before they know it, within days, they were in senators office, they were making calls to Obama… long story short, months later, Obama sees the TV show on MTV, invites them in and they get that dream.
This incredible thing happens but only because they’ve repeatedly put it out there.
This isn’t the secret, this isn’t the universe hearing… this is other human beings hearing, being inspired by that message and being inspired by that desire and then helping them.
So make sure to put your purpose out there into the world.
#6. The last mindset is that you need to start going first
The sixth mindset is that you need to start going first.
Go there first. Be the first person to extend praise in a group of people that are not very comfortable doing that.
Be the first person in a new group of strangers who cracks a joke.
Be the first one in a new group who is talking and who shares something vulnerable.
When you are the person who is leading the group towards areas where you can connect more whether that means being fun, extending praise, and being vulnerable, all of those things signify leadership to other people and they signify bravery because you’re doing that thing that other people are nervous to do and when you do that, you naturally are going to become the type of person that other people want to be around and what you’ve found, I’m sure, in your own life is that you’ll be in a group of people, it’ll be very solemn and one person will crack a joke.
And then somebody else gets comfortable and then another one will crack a joke and all of a sudden, the whole group dynamic has shifted.
The same thing happens with vulnerability — somebody opens up and shares a story about their life and the next thing you know, you’re going back and you’re connecting on a level that was previously not available; people remember who the first person to do that was and it makes them so much more endearing because they are the one taking the social risk.
Be the person who takes the risk who goes there first and of course, remember that no matter what happens here, it will be okay; that is the fundamental belief.
So hopefully, these six to twelve, depending on how you count them, beliefs can be very, very helpful in your own life; as you start to incorporate them, you will find that they make a tremendous difference.
This doesn’t mean to throw everything else to the side; this means that you can still focus on your eye contact, your body language all of that stuff, but you want to be building the mindsets concurrently with those sort of surface level things.
And if you focus on one of each at a time that I find is the best way to do it.
So I hope that you guys enjoyed this article and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.