Why We Love People Who Hurt Us


This is an article on why we love people who hurt us!

What is it that makes someone love you and not someone else and what does it make you love that person back as opposed to every other person in the world?

On the website, we talked a lot about the general things that you can do from a charisma perspective like eye contact, tonality, and body language that make you more attractive to people generally and I’ll throw up an article on the body language of attraction right there.

But that doesn’t answer the question of why you tend to have a specific blueprint for the type of person that you are interested in.

And it doesn’t answer the question why you might fall so hard for someone and your friends cannot see what it’s all about or vice versa — your friends fall hard for particular individuals and you don’t get it.

So in this article, what I want to do is explore your individual blueprint —why is it that you like the people that you like and why is it the people who like you are drawn to you.

And I hope not just to get you this blueprint but an entirely new realm of thought awareness and development that you can step into because I’ve found this to be very profound in my own life but before we get there, let’s start with the beginning.

Love and attraction are involuntary
Love and attraction are involuntary

Love and attraction are involuntary

The first thing that we have to acknowledge is that love and attraction aren’t voluntary.

I love the idea that we could just sit around with this list and we could say, “I want someone who is funny, who gets along with my friends, who is sharp in these ways and creative,” but we all know that it’s not our checkboxes that draw us to someone; it’s this feeling of magnetism.

And I bet — I know I have had that experience where — you’ve been drawn to someone and they don’t check all of your boxes and maybe they even have some glaring red flags but you just can’t help it; there’s something that’s going on there. What is that?

They remind you of your childhood caretaker
They remind you of your childhood caretaker

They remind you of your childhood caretaker

What I want to suggest in this article sounds crazy but it’s that what draws you specifically into individuals amongst other things, but this is a huge piece, is how closely that person reminds you of your early childhood caretakers specifically, in most cases, mom and dad and if that person creates in you the same emotions that you felt as a young infant.

Now that seems insane, right?

Why would who you were right after you were born be determining who you were attracted to 20, 30, 40, 50 years down the line?

So let me take a step back and just start with two things that I know to be true of you and every single human infant that’s ever lived.

The first thing is this — you were learning non-stop all the time and you can’t even remember it.

For instance, you are hearing what I am saying and instantaneously processing that language, understanding what I am saying, and you don’t remember probably your first word.

You don’t remember processing language and beyond that, you have an accent.

You have an accent that was formulated probably the first ten years of your life and even if you moved after the age of 10-12, that accent sticks with you.

It doesn’t matter who surrounds you later; it’s just part of you.

This is occurring with so many concepts and things in your own life the idea of what it is to be a man, the idea of what it means to be a woman, the idea of what love is — and one of the most profound things is that infants, this is the second piece, are helpless which means the primary thing that an infant is figuring out in its brain that is still growing is — what does it take to survive?

When you’re an adult what it takes to survive is action and activity but that is not something that an infant can do so an infant is just pairing —

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what traits do my caretakers have with survival? — because whoever they are, whether they’re good people, bad people, or whether it’s got flaws like every human being does, that is what is keeping you alive so if you’re mom and dad who touch you all the time or sing to you are wonderful parents, that gets paired with survival and later in your life, it’s likely that you’re gonna find this weird magnetic attraction to people with those traits.

On the flip side, if mom and dad fight a lot, if they’re screaming in the household, if mom is depressed, if dad is angry… whatever it is, those same things are still being associated with survival and when you encounter them later in life, as much as you might not want to, you’re likely going to be drawn to them.

So just an example from my own life in order to kind of illustrate this.

When I was young — I don’t even remember this but I know that it is true at this point my mom worked at the ER in a hospital and my dad was often gone for business and I presumed that i intuited that she needed help because she was stressed and I’m that was rough on her emotionally and I found myself even at a young age and then it took periods where I can remember being drawn to her most in the times where she emotional support and help; I felt like I wanted to make her feel better.

And she was wonderful for a long period of time but this was one pattern that got stuck in me.

Much, much later, and I didn’t realize it, I tend to be drawn to women in the moments where they are most vulnerable, where they profess to having a problem that they don’t know how to deal with, and I can step in and help them.

Now, this is neither a good thing nor a bad thing but it just creates reliable patterns in my life.

The type of women that I tend to go for tend to be vulnerable with me early on in the relationship and not only this, I create these same patterns in women who might otherwise not show them as much and the same is true of you whether we’re talking about parents that were angry, parents that were depressed, parents that were very loving… we create these scenarios over and over. Here’s how.

In my case, I noticed and I’ve reflected because I’m 30 years old and I’ve been in a number of longer term relationships, the moment that I most spend time focusing attentive on the women that I’m with at the time is when they have a problem.

When they come to me and there’s something they don’t know what to do with and they’re struggling emotionally, that is when they get 100% of my attention.

It’s not like I’m choosing consciously to do this and purposefully giving them less of my attention when things are wonderful but it seems like they need me and that’s when I snap in a gear and they got three solid hours of every single ounce of my problem-solving capabilities.

Now, I’m not telling them, “Be sad,” but what I am communicating is, “You get the most attention from me when there is a problem.”

And what I have realized, in several relationships, that they have started to intuit is, “When I want Charlie’s attention,” which is perhaps more often than I’m willing to admit “I will create a problem.”

And it turns from I-have-a-problem to I-create-a-problem.

The same sort of thing is being created by you — you are encouraging anger, you are encouraging depression, you are encouraging these things in other people oftentimes because they remind you of those patterns in childhood that most required your attention in order to move through.

And you might be thinking, “Wait a second. I don’t want someone to be angry.

I don’t want them to be frustrated or depressed.” Of course not.

But if you spend time energy and effort on that, you are conditioning that behavior in them.

So we seek out and encourage and recreate a lot of the good things but also the dysfunction that we had in our early household.

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So that’s part of what our blueprint for someone else is and this is why we tend to look for people who hurt us because they’re not just hurting us, they’re hurting us in the same way that we have been hurt for our whole life and this doesn’t require terrible negligent parents; every single one of us has been wounded and hurt because we were young and we didn’t know how to process the world; that’s just an inevitability.

Layer onto that, if you had neglectful parents or abusive parents, now that cycle is just moving twice as fast.

But that’s not the only thing that is drawing you towards certain individuals maybe not for your benefit.

There’s also an aspect of ourselves that we all had to deny growing up.

I’m a boy, I know a lot of guys got this message but it’s don’t cry, don’t be emotional, tough it out and walk it off, if you have an issue, handle it yourself, don’t bring it to the world… fine, that’s what we received.

For years, myself and many guys didn’t shed a tear and didn’t share an emotion like that but I found myself later in life being extremely drawn to women who wore their emotions on their sleeve.

I found it so attractive because I’m so much more even keeled and I see this in other people.

You have the person who was conditioned by their parents to be a good little boy or girl, stay quiet because adults are talking, blend in… Who do they tend to go for?

They tend to go for the gregarious outgoing confident person that is their mirror image and that is their complement.

And this is why they say opposites attract; this is the yin-yang thing.

We tend to go from people who have expressed and experienced the aspects of ourselves that we have had to repress stuff down or deny

in order to get by in our particular circumstances — in order to become who we are today.

And the reason is that really, what we all want to be is complete human beings who don’t have to deny or hide any of our experiences — whether that’s being shy sometimes, being outgoing sometimes, being sad or happy or joyous — but because we have learned that we can’t be all of those things in order to grow up and get the love we require or the attention that we desire, we become lopsided, we become all outgoing, we become all quiet, we’ll become all strong, or all weak…

Whatever it is we don’t have that rounded balance and we seek someone else to be with that is like that which is fantastic at the beginning because you feel almost people say, “You complete me. I didn’t feel whole until I was with you,” but what tends to happen is that there’s still that part of you that doesn’t like that thing that they are and so after six months or 12 months, the confidence that drew you to them now is viewed as arrogance.

And in my case, the emotionality that I first was really drawn to that amazing vulnerability looks like making a mountain out of a molehill and the thing that drew us to our partners tend to be the exact same things that we fight about later.

And this is one example — it’s because we tend to love and be obsessed with people who can hurt us because these are old, old patterns of behavior throughout our life that represents parts of ourselves that we have disowned. So what do you do about it? I know that this has been very, “Okay, nice to know that,” or this is a theory on it but what what should I do? Well, step one is to become aware.

Simple awareness of whatever your problem is step one and it sometimes is enough to move the needle so ask yourself, “Growing up, what were patterns of emotion that my mom and my dad expressed?” and if you want to, I’ve done this, write them down; you might have a hard time remembering but do your best here.

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Second, review the exes that you’ve had and go write the things that describe their personality good or bad; you don’t even need to be judge.

Just go write them all down and look for commonalities.

What I found is that I tend to go for exes who are caretaker, touchy, emotional, very locked into the moment… and again, all of these things as I look back at them remind me tremendously of my mom.

There’s other elements about them like I have to work for their approval that they do give it and again, that’s my dad.

So write all of these things down and see if there’s commonalities.

And the third thing that you can do just to bring yourself a higher sense of awareness is to review the moments in your life where you actually fell in love.

We tend to think of falling in love as this weird thing that happens over in amorphous period of time but really, there are specific times where we fall hard for someone and as I reviewed mine, that’s where I came to that conclusion that it was those emotionally vulnerable moments where I was presented with a problem that I could help this woman solve that I felt so connected to her.

And it’s not necessarily because in that moment, our relationship merited it but it is because there’s some ancient part of my brain that has been there for almost as long as I’ve been alive that it’s gone, “If there is a problem and you can help solve it, that equals love,” and so I find myself drawn to that and creating those sort of situations.

So reflect on that; ask yourself that.

The second thing is, “Okay, now you know what do you do?”

Well, the general problem that I see across a whole host of scenarios in life is that people settle for less than ideal — and this isn’t the case; maybe you have a fantastic relationship and this is just a good-to-know, you don’t have to do this but it’s still useful.

We settle for less than ideal when we think that the love that we desire is outside of us and not inside of us.

So we’ll take the fighting, we’ll take the frustration, we’ll take the depression, we’ll take the abuse, whatever it is… because that’s the only way that I can get love.

If you start to move that love internal, if you start to actually learn to generate a feeling of self-love and self-care, all of a sudden, the need to go get it from places that are less than ideal weakens.

This topic of self-love is increasingly one that I’m so fascinated by because it has tendrils that extended to every single aspect of our lives especially our romantic relationships because our relationships are mirrors oftentimes of the love and the acceptance that we do not give ourselves which is why I increasingly, in my life, have been working on cultivating those traits that I am drawn to in women like being more emotionally vulnerable right living more in the moment not always having this long-term view but being able to be truly present where I am.

So that is it for this article. This is a deeper topic so if you’re interested, go ahead and let me know in the comments.

If there’s any other questions I wanted to do something like this that was a little bit more philosophical less specific action-oriented because it’s Memorial Day and I figured I could experiment and most people would just be out with their families barbecuing so if you liked it let me know in the comments go ahead ask questions because I’ll be here for the first hour after upload.

If you want more article like this to make sure to bookmark the website, hit that notification bell; there’s like eight different levels of notifications at this point and you might not see our article if you don’t click the biggest one because Google the algorithm is weird so I hope that you guys have enjoyed this article and I hope to see you in future ones so catch ya next time.

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"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."