5 Common Habits That Will Kill Your Confidence
Every single day, we do something that is fantastic for our confidence and we do others that aren’t so good — they drag it down and destroy it.
The problem is we can’t always tell which of those is which.
And that’s why in this article, I want to show you five very common behaviors — some of which I bet you are doing — that are secretly destroying your confidence because if you can remove these from your life, it’s dramatic how your self-esteem and your confidence will skyrocket.
#1. STAYING IN A SITUATION THAT YOU DISLIKE
So the first one that I’ve had a very, very first-hand experience was staying in a situation that you really dislike.
Now, it’s obvious that you’re not going to want to stay in a situation you dislike by definition but it actually destroys your self-esteem when you do that.
And I realized this back in the day when I had my first job as a consultant.
I didn’t love it, it wasn’t horrible but when I got up in the morning, I felt like I was faking it; I felt like I was putting on the suit pretending to care about something that I didn’t really care about.
Simultaneously, I found myself feeling less confident myself; I was starting to doubt myself.
Social situations which used to come easier were all of a sudden a little bit more murky and rocky; I didn’t know how to behave.
And I didn’t put these two together until I read the book, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden — absolutely fantastic but there was an exercise in that book that made me realize that when you do an action, that implicitly says, “I don’t believe in myself,” your self-esteem goes down.
So every single day when I got up in the morning, I put on that suit, and I knew I didn’t like it but I had no exit plan, I was telling myself, “I don’t believe in you.
I don’t think you’re capable of getting a better job, I don’t think you deserve one, and I don’t think that you should have a higher degree of fulfillment in your life; this is right where you belong.”
And that is why my self-esteem and my confidence plummeted.
Now, weirdly enough, when I finally left that job and my money started plummeting and I was living on my friend’s floor and I didn’t know how I was gonna earn living, my confidence was through the roof socially and other areas and that was where I had the guts to start Charisma on Command.
It was because I had taken a vote of confidence in myself; I left.
I said, “You know what? I don’t know how but I believe in you to figure this out.”
So I’m not saying you got to quit your job but I am saying if you’re in a relationship, whether it’s romantic or with a friend, if you have a job that you really dislike, you need an exit plan not just for your life but for your self-esteem because if you can’t bet on yourself, your body knows it and that’s when your confidence tanks.
#2. Focusing intensely on a practice
So the second thing that a lot of people don’t realize that’s destroying their confidence is their intense focus on practice.
Now, people could go, “Wait for a second, I need to practice. Of course, I do;
I have to be competent in order to be confident.”
Now, that is absolutely true but let me give you an example of where this goes too far.
In an interview setting, I know people who will study their questions, “Tell me where you’re from?” and technical questions up until the moment that they enter that room.
And unfortunately, what happens is despite the fact that they’ve been practicing long, they go in there flat, they forget what they were going to say, and if they do remember it, it’s terribly rote.
The problem is they should have taken those five to 15 minutes prior to that big moment and instead of practicing, they should have built an internal state of positive feelings and confidence.
This is true of musical performances, any time you’re on a stage, if there’s a date coming up… whatever it is, stop worrying about what you’re saying or going to say five to 15 minutes before, stop worrying about the performance and start feeling good.
Watch a websites article that pumps you up — it could be one of ours watch something funny, hang out with your friends, laugh, move, do things that make you feel energized.
And I, again, realize this for the first time way back in the day when I would have dates and I was so nervous before these phone calls I would think, “What am I gonna say?” I try to plan out every line and one day I was just having fun with my friends, I called in that moment of having a good time and it went fantastically.
And that became my go-to — rather than worrying about what I was going to say, right before the phone call, I would have fun and that made them go so much better moving forward which takes us to the third thing that people don’t realize is ruining their confidence — it’s believing this myth that there’s one person or you need an individual to approve of you in order to be happy.
#3. belief that a certain person’s approval will make you happy
Now, we don’t realize this but we, unfortunately, do this quite often.
When there’s an interview or a job that we feel like we need this job or there’s a particular person that we’d like to be dating and we just have to get them to like us, we get very focused in this narrow view of what could make us happy and fulfilled.
We start to give away our confidence; we feel needy and we need them to like us.
If we broaden our perspective if prior to a job interview, you can step back and remind yourself, “I really like this job but there’s a lot of amazing jobs out there.”
There are tons; there are ones I’m not even familiar with.
Same thing — I might like this guy or this girl but there are so many other fantastic people.
Weirdly enough, when you do that, you’re going to have a much more confident interaction with that person whether it’s an interview or anyone else because you’re telling yourself, “I don’t need you.
I would like this but I don’t need it,” and that inspires confidence in you.
#4. Disqualifying yourself verbally before doing something
The fourth thing people don’t realize — this is the one I am most guilty of today — is disqualifying yourself verbally prior to doing anything.
And if you see me on this channel, I did this and I do this before I talk about music.
Sometimes, I’ll mention that on my Instagram @CharlieHoupert, I play music and I play the guitar but I will say, “You know, I’m not a great singer so don’t expect too much” or “I haven’t spent as much time on this one song but just take a look.”
That’s disqualifying; that’s trying to lower the bar.
People do this prior to speeches; they get up there and they say, “I haven’t really done this before this is my first time.”
Sometimes, they do it in interactions. When they tell someone,
“I’m not really good with names so I might forget yours.”
We think that in setting the bar low, we won’t disappoint people.
But actually, what we do is we say, ‘This is the level that I’m gonna play at,” — really low; we destroy our confidence.
So if you’re doing that like me, the solution is say nothing.
Don’t preempt it, don’t tell me it’s gonna be good or it’s gonna be bad… just go.
#5. Saying the “I don’t care” in order to be kind
The fifth thing that people do all the time is — and this just happens to me today is they say, “I don’t care,” as if it was a kindness to someone. Now, let me be clear.
Not having to get your way all the time and have a demanding preference is a virtue.
But you’ve been in those situations where people are trying to figure out where to go to eat and everyone doesn’t care, “What should we do tonight?” nobody cares, “What movie?” nobody cares…
People are craving leadership — that’s the first thing so rather than saying, “I don’t care,” just search inside yourself and find, “Is there a minor preference that I could voice here?” because, one, people will appreciate the fact that they at least have a direction and you’re not going to search on Yelp for hours and hours and hours for a restaurant.
The second thing though is that people who lack confidence often are disconnected from their true desires.
It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they learned a long time ago to separate themselves from what they really wanted.
So getting in the practice of detecting minor preferences of which food you’d like or what movie you’d like to watch and how you’d like to spend your evening is telling yourself, “I believe in you. I think that your voice has value. I think your preferences are worth hearing.”
It doesn’t mean you’re always gonna get your way or it doesn’t mean you don’t even need to argue about it but simply voicing in a scenario, “I’d like to go here,” other people can say where they’d like to go you, guys can talk about it, and wind up in a different direction, that’s going to build confidence inside of you.
It’s gonna make you more decisive, a better leader, and of course, it’s gonna make you more confident.
So I hope that you guys have found those five tips helpful.
I hope you guys liked this article, I look forward to seeing you in the next one which I think
is going to be a long overdue charisma breakdown from someone that has been around for a very, very long time and it’s absolutely earned it so if you want to see who that is, make sure to click subscribe, hit the notification bell and I look forward to seeing you in the next article.